If only I can have this...

 

When I was a little girl, I used to say; "God. If I can have this I'll never ask for another thing in the world." When I was in my early twenties I used to say; "God. If you can just let me have this, I'll be so happy. This is all I need to be happy." A specific event was dating my soon to be husband years ago. He was perfect for me. He was who I needed to spend the rest of my life with. I remember saying to myself. "God. If we get married, that's all I'll need to be happy." Of course that was silly because of course I wanted children with my husband as well. What I hadn't forseen was that there would be difficulties in conceiving a child together and then a miscarriage along the way. I remember when and where I was when the words came out again. I was on my way to work and I was feeling particularly sorry for myself having not been pregnant yet. 

"God. If I can just get pregnant and deliver this baby safely, that's all I'll need to be happy. It's all I that I want."

Fast forward to the present moment. I am sitting here 4 children later. My husband is at work. The baby who is feeling under the weather sleeps in my room. I'm tense. I only got a few hours of sleep last night and I know she's going to stir and cry any moment--as she always does the minute I get comfortable and take a few minutes for myself.

I'm reminded of the things I once asked God now more than ever. I suppose I'm trying to hold myself accountable to it. I'm struggling this week. With my role as a good mother, with my role as a business owner. With my role as myself. Myself. Ha! I don't even know where myself is anymore. Buried somewhere under the mountain of laundry or pile of toys maybe. I sound pathetic. It all sounds so cliche. Overworked mother of 4 carrying on about having lost herself. We come a dime a dozen don't we? Nobody is feeling sorry for me. I know I did this to myself. It is everything I wanted after all. Well I didn't plan on 4. Years ago I never dreamed I'd have my own little business. The children were supposed to be happy little sleepers and not give me a hard time every single day. I suppose that was the plan. I regret nothing. However that doesn't diminish the fact that I'm tired right now. I haven't slept good in months. The past few weeks worse than ever. What is reality exactly? Are my feelings those of just being "tired", is it post partum hormones? Is it more? Is it tired, post partum, and more? Self awareness is good. I take comfort in knowing that I can recognize when I'm feeling out of sorts. That I can rationalize with myself that it is because of one thing or another which explains my moods. I have everything I could want right now. My husband. A beautiful family with him. We are about to close on our new home in 2 days. I want to jump up for joy. I'm so happy. Yet I am frustrated at the same time. Frustrated because I have less time than ever to do anything for myself or even work on the business. Frustrated because I cannot give every child the attention they deserve. Somewhere over the years along with my family, my need for perfection has grown and grown as well. I need everything to be perfect and when it's not it frustrates me. Before I sat down to blog and after I put the baby down. I went to put on my makeup and fix my hair because I knew it was my only chance and H and I have a final walk through on the house later today with our realtor. I am a tired mother of 4, one which is a new baby and it's perfectly acceptable for me to walk around looking a bit desheveled and my hair up in a bun with no makeup, but I wouldn't be comfortable. I can't let people have a negative image of me. I can do it all. I will do it all. Perfectionism remember? It is exhausting at times. As I type this. I want to delete it. So many times I'll type stuff out on Facebook or message boards only to delete it. A need to vent, a moment to complain, but I don't. I know I'll regret it the moment I do it.

I feel like I've gone in an opposite direction of what I originally started writing about, but it does tie all together when you think of it. I need to relax. I need to breathe. I need to let go and let God. I cannot control everything that happens in my life.