Where the happiness hides..

I feel like I haven't really blogged with intention these past few weeks. Honestly it's been really hard to just sit down and write, and the thing is I love to write. Sometimes I'm not inspired and sometimes I have to decide what's more important to work on. My mind has been clogged lately and I've realized that I've been focusing a lot on all the things that can go wrong rather than thinking positive and imagining all the wonderful things to look forward too.

 

Maybe I've been hard on myself and maybe I'm coping well. I don't know. I feel a lot of pressure and I work to hard. I've been terrible about relaxing and doing fun things just for me. I feel like I have no life other than my family and my business. I spend all day with the kids (who aren't easy on me) and after they go to bed, I'm working on my business. Rinse, repeat. I love staying home with the girls and I love my job. I think some guilt has started to creep in because I feel like a bad mom for saying that I want to spend a little more time on my business other than just naps and bedtime. I only just realized this was a source of my frustration the other day. This is for them and this is for me. My husband makes good money and I don't have to work, but I've always been independent and 3 girls are expensive. I want them to have things I didn't have, and I want to be able to help others. The thing is I don't want to send them to daycare, just the thought of it makes me feel even more guilty--the thought of dropping them off and leaving them. I'm very attached to them and them to me. Not too mention I don't want them to pick up colds and also having two in daycare is an expense that is not smart for us right now. It's not just wanting to spend more time on the business though, it's the fact that I need a break. I finally made a move on Monday and registered on a care website where I searched for nannies and emailed three. Right now I think the best thing to do is to find somebody that can come for a few hours a week. That way they are home with me and I won't be worried and I could also get away if I need to for doctors appointments or to run errands.

 

I've been pretty stressed lately and I don't want to be. I want to adapt the hakuna matata mentality again. I'm just struggling with it. There's also been the divorce of my parents that happened over a month ago and....geez just writing that makes a lump in my throat. It's hard and I'm trying to stay neutral. It's probably also a little hard because my mother moved to South Africa right after the divorce was final. Halfway across the world! Crazy crazy, but if she's happy and this is her way of coping than there's not a whole lot I can say. I know my dad is coping right now and has his good days and his bad days. I just want them to be happy. Time heals all things though, and I just have to remember to not let worried thoughts creep in so much and know that it's ok to be happy in my own life-even when those I love are struggling with theirs.

 



It's not always rainbows and butterflies

You know that perfect mother and wife that always has her house clean, dinner ready or cooking when her husband comes home, works out, is perfectly made up, and when not doing the things mentioned, she's spending quality time with her children working on crafts, or teaching them "Für Elise" on the piano? The mother that never snaps at her kids out of frustration, yet quietly reprimands them--have they need reprimanding? The wife that never haves a headache and when her husband offers his unsolicited advice too many times, instead of giving him a piece of her mind, she just keeps quiet and seethes under her breath?

 I don't know her either, because she doesn't exist.

That doesn't mean I don't try to be that mother and wife. God blessed me with an awesome ability to juggle many things at once and my parents instilled the hardworking values I've clung onto all these years, but I get tired too. 

As I write this, I hear nothing but the rain drops hitting the window and the sound of washing machine running upstairs because despite being "so tired", I couldn't help myself and not throw a load of clothes in the washer. "Now wait just a minute, where are the children?" You must wonder. They are at my in law's house. I dropped them off about two hours ago because I really needed to step away. I'm really bad about getting some "me" time. I just hate to be a burden and I know three kids is a lot. I hated even asking while I was there and instead of the truth, I muttered something about needing to run some errands and taking care of some things at the house, when in fact I just wanted to get away and cry. As I left their house I called my mother but she was too busy to talk, so I drove on and then it stormed all the way home. Once I reached the driveway, I had to get off the car in the down pour to remove a huge branch that fell in my way.

Really world? I mean c'mon! In retrospect I can look back and laugh but I was so not in the mood at that time. Today I'm tired. I've been staying up late tending to the kids and then working on the business and Mariam is still very high needs, and there's always a mess to clean up or somebody that needs tending to, and I felt like I had reached the point where I had nothing left to give. As a mother a feeling like that is only temporary I believe. The ability to give is an endless supply. I just need to recharge. It's babyville from sun up to sun down and I need a break. Which is why tomorrow I'm also stepping away from them and going on a date with my husband. I'm almost never away from the girls and that's not good for anybody. I need to stop feeling guilty, whether it's toward the kids, or H because he works full time and I know he gets tired so I don't want to ask. To be able to take care of everyone else, I need to take care of me too.

If you are a regular reader than you know this blog is mainly filled with happy snippets of my life and it is a happy life, but I am also an open and honest person and whether we admit it or not, there is always going to be a storm that occasionally rains on our parade. I hesitated to post this, but I needed to get this out. Whether it's for validation that it's ok to feel like this, or a "hey you're doing a good job", I don't know, but I needed to vent to someone/something that can't talk back and just listen.