I feel like I haven't really blogged with intention these past few weeks. Honestly it's been really hard to just sit down and write, and the thing is I love to write. Sometimes I'm not inspired and sometimes I have to decide what's more important to work on. My mind has been clogged lately and I've realized that I've been focusing a lot on all the things that can go wrong rather than thinking positive and imagining all the wonderful things to look forward too.
Maybe I've been hard on myself and maybe I'm coping well. I don't know. I feel a lot of pressure and I work to hard. I've been terrible about relaxing and doing fun things just for me. I feel like I have no life other than my family and my business. I spend all day with the kids (who aren't easy on me) and after they go to bed, I'm working on my business. Rinse, repeat. I love staying home with the girls and I love my job. I think some guilt has started to creep in because I feel like a bad mom for saying that I want to spend a little more time on my business other than just naps and bedtime. I only just realized this was a source of my frustration the other day. This is for them and this is for me. My husband makes good money and I don't have to work, but I've always been independent and 3 girls are expensive. I want them to have things I didn't have, and I want to be able to help others. The thing is I don't want to send them to daycare, just the thought of it makes me feel even more guilty--the thought of dropping them off and leaving them. I'm very attached to them and them to me. Not too mention I don't want them to pick up colds and also having two in daycare is an expense that is not smart for us right now. It's not just wanting to spend more time on the business though, it's the fact that I need a break. I finally made a move on Monday and registered on a care website where I searched for nannies and emailed three. Right now I think the best thing to do is to find somebody that can come for a few hours a week. That way they are home with me and I won't be worried and I could also get away if I need to for doctors appointments or to run errands.
I've been pretty stressed lately and I don't want to be. I want to adapt the hakuna matata mentality again. I'm just struggling with it. There's also been the divorce of my parents that happened over a month ago and....geez just writing that makes a lump in my throat. It's hard and I'm trying to stay neutral. It's probably also a little hard because my mother moved to South Africa right after the divorce was final. Halfway across the world! Crazy crazy, but if she's happy and this is her way of coping than there's not a whole lot I can say. I know my dad is coping right now and has his good days and his bad days. I just want them to be happy. Time heals all things though, and I just have to remember to not let worried thoughts creep in so much and know that it's ok to be happy in my own life-even when those I love are struggling with theirs.