Last night my heart felt heavy. So opposite from the day before when my heart felt full and joyous. I think this is the way of God talking to me and trying to tell me something. They say if you have everything you need yet feel something is missing, it's usually a closer relationship to God.
He is in my life. Always has been but I admit I have not always been the greatest christian. Sometimes I'm prone to having a sharp tongue, being impatient, vain, and insecure at times. I've always felt there is two sides to me but I suppose most feel like this since we are constantly walking down the line of good and bad.
Last night as I was carrying Layla into her room to the glider, I started thinking about how pretty soon she will be walking and talking and how our nighttime routine will change. It will all go by so quickly and I worried about whether or not I'm being the best mother I can be too her. Whether or not I'm giving Serena enough attention. How it will be when she's a teenager. (I am dreading those days). Worrying about my shoulder hurting forever. Worrying about how I come across to people. Worrying about not making all my dreams a reality. Worrying about the right dreams.
I rocked in that glider for a good while worrying. It reminded me of when Layla was nestled in my womb. After a previous miscarriage I worried constantly that the pregnancy was going to go wrong.
You see I am a champion worrier.
I do think I've improved over the years but something crept into my heart last night and it lead me to the old passage I used to read when I worried about Layla.
“Then Jesus said to his disciples: ‘Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?’” (Luke 12:22-26)
That passage helped me so much in time of worry. Today I turn to it again. I hope that if you have worry in your life you find comfort in it.