Wednesday, August 8, 2018

Thoughts on mothering

The girls and H are coming back from Texas tonight. Spending the past 5 days with just Ava here was really good for me. Sure I had to be her all day entertainer but there was a lot of down time to just breathe, to be, to reflect on mothering. Parenting 4 children is harder than I ever imagined! I don't always know what I'm doing, but I try my best and I work myself to the ground for them. Case in point, that sometimes is the problem and I have to remember to not drown in my own storm.

The initial reason I decided to stay back with Ava because I know the progress she had made with sleep could regress. All of my friends tell me that when they've gone on vacation with their toddlers and come back, they've needed to re-sleep train them a bit again. The second reason I stayed back even though I did want to see all the family is because I needed to be a little bit selfish....if it's even considered selfish. I needed to take care of me and I needed this break. I do think I have a healthy balance of getting out with H, or my friends and the junior league and I have a community of wonderful neighbors, and my identity isn't just wrapped up into being a mom, because I'm also a creative and an entrepreneur, but still. I was getting pretty burnt-out. It is some consolation that it's summer and most stay at home moms are literally losing their minds. Ha! 

The issue these days has been that I've been doing and doing...and doing, going through all the motions of what a good mother is supposed to do, but my attitude towards it--my mood, left much to be desired. I was plain tired and overworked. I was getting easily irritated, impatient and short with the girls, and it wasn't good. I even felt bad because I remember there was a time when this was all I ever wanted in life. "God, if I could just be H's wife and have children." How could I be so frustrated when this was all I ever wanted? My neighbor and I were recently talking about happiness in life and she made an interesting point when she mentioned that life isn't always going to bring happiness. It can, but in the ordinary days, it's up to you to create your own happiness.

Contrary to what some people might think, I don't always have it together all the time--nobody does. Life can be hard, messy, disappointing, and stressful. This goes for everyone, and if you're a mother, it's even harder because you not only have to worry about yourself, that worry is doubled, quadrupled, or more. Children don't come with a handbook and I'm a work in progress. I may have 4 children, but I'm no expert because every personality is different! I've gone through the same milestones with my girls, yes I have some experience with children, but my girls are all different! Their moods are different, their way of thinking is different than the other. What I think I may have figured out for one may not necessarily work for the other. The important thing is that I try my best and it's always good to vent to a few caring friends or family. I'm so thankful I also have my faith to see me through and I'm never alone. I truly am blessed with my 4 girls and a loving husband. 

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