Thoughts on mothering

The girls and H are coming back from Texas tonight. Spending the past 5 days with just Ava here was really good for me. Sure I had to be her all day entertainer but there was a lot of down time to just breathe, to be, to reflect on mothering. Parenting 4 children is harder than I ever imagined! I don't always know what I'm doing, but I try my best and I work myself to the ground for them. Case in point, that sometimes is the problem and I have to remember to not drown in my own storm.

The initial reason I decided to stay back with Ava because I know the progress she had made with sleep could regress. All of my friends tell me that when they've gone on vacation with their toddlers and come back, they've needed to re-sleep train them a bit again. The second reason I stayed back even though I did want to see all the family is because I needed to be a little bit selfish....if it's even considered selfish. I needed to take care of me and I needed this break. I do think I have a healthy balance of getting out with H, or my friends and the junior league and I have a community of wonderful neighbors, and my identity isn't just wrapped up into being a mom, because I'm also a creative and an entrepreneur, but still. I was getting pretty burnt-out. It is some consolation that it's summer and most stay at home moms are literally losing their minds. Ha! 

The issue these days has been that I've been doing and doing...and doing, going through all the motions of what a good mother is supposed to do, but my attitude towards it--my mood, left much to be desired. I was plain tired and overworked. I was getting easily irritated, impatient and short with the girls, and it wasn't good. I even felt bad because I remember there was a time when this was all I ever wanted in life. "God, if I could just be H's wife and have children." How could I be so frustrated when this was all I ever wanted? My neighbor and I were recently talking about happiness in life and she made an interesting point when she mentioned that life isn't always going to bring happiness. It can, but in the ordinary days, it's up to you to create your own happiness.

Contrary to what some people might think, I don't always have it together all the time--nobody does. Life can be hard, messy, disappointing, and stressful. This goes for everyone, and if you're a mother, it's even harder because you not only have to worry about yourself, that worry is doubled, quadrupled, or more. Children don't come with a handbook and I'm a work in progress. I may have 4 children, but I'm no expert because every personality is different! I've gone through the same milestones with my girls, yes I have some experience with children, but my girls are all different! Their moods are different, their way of thinking is different than the other. What I think I may have figured out for one may not necessarily work for the other. The important thing is that I try my best and it's always good to vent to a few caring friends or family. I'm so thankful I also have my faith to see me through and I'm never alone. I truly am blessed with my 4 girls and a loving husband. 

Wordless Wednesday

Beach Days

As much as I love going to the beach, it's getting a little difficult lugging the whole family these days. So much stuff! We really need one of those beach wheel barrows. Ava is still afraid of the sea so she's mostly in my arms or H's. It's actually a little easier when I go during the week early with just Ava and Mariam. Less stuff to bring. I usually stuff everything in my backpack and bring a small umbrella.

Happy Friday!

Ava oh Ava..

I haven't done one of these detailed posts on Ava since she was 11 months. I normally stop doing monthly updates once the girls reach 1 year and then update here and there. One thing I love about blogging is being able to look back at the past years and remember how the girls were. Treasured memories for sure. 

Weight

She hasn't gone for her 18 month checkup yet (she's 19 months now), so I'm not sure how much she weighs but I'm guessing around 23 to 25 pounds.

Health

She's been really well minus a little cold here and there. Her sister's had gotten the stomach bug around New Years and thankfully she was just fine. I feel really blessed that the girl's don't get sick very often minus common colds or upset stomach's. 

Sleep

Ava has always been a terrible sleeper. She's the worst one out of the four and pretty much drove the nail in the coffin that we don't want another child. I really want to sleep again one day. Her sleep has improved since my last update, but still to this day since she was a newborn, she has only slept through the night 5 times. 5 times! That's it! I weaned her four months ago to see if it would help her sleep. I would have nursed her till beyond 2 years old if I could have, but I really needed her to sleep better. While I was nursing she was waking up every 2-3 hours. It went on like this until I stopped nursing. Once I stopped, it really helped. Like immediately. I started putting her down with a bottle of organic almond milk (she's lactose sensitive) and she started only waking up twice a night. A couple months of that and she was up only once a night. It was glorious. Currently she's still waking up once, but she's really really sensitive towards anything like gas at night, or if she has a runny nose. If something is amiss with her body, she will be up 2-3 times a night. 

Clothes

She currently wears 18-24 month clothing. It really depends on the brand. Today she has a skirt on that's a 3T so just goes to show. 

Diet

She eats pretty much anything, but goes through these picky phases. She can handle a little bit of eggs and some dairy if it's in food like mashed potatoes, etc. For liquids she does strictly almond or an almond coconut blend. She also drinks water. No juices. She hates anything green so I still give her at least 1-2 baby food pouches that have the green vegetables mixed in. 

Milestones

She's done so much since I last updated. She's really so smart and seems to pick up things faster at this age then her other sisters. She can identify her body parts and when I call out an animal she'll make the sound of it. I've been trying to be better about working on some spanish and arabic words with her. She's also enjoying to be read too more and more. She is so sweet. I love seeing her head full of curly hair walking around everywhere. She could stand to not be so clingy sometimes and maybe let me eat in peace sometimes, but that's what babies do. As much as I get frustrated sometimes or stressed out, I know when I'm older I'm going to look back and wish for those days back. 

On being the baby of four

I've been enjoying seeing the girls interact with each other. Ava has started to want to do things just like her sister's and feel like a "big girl". With just Ava and Mariam my 4 year old at home in the morning's they've started to play with each other more and more--and even fight. It's been nice to see Mariam mature a little more and seeing what a good big sister she can be to Ava. 

Have a great Sunday!

Ava's 1 year pictures!

I can't believe I didn't post Ava's 1 year pictures. She turned a year on September 12th and we had just a quiet party at home. My mom and some of H's parents were able to skype in when we sang her happy birthday so that was nice. Currently she's 14 months and I'll be doing an update on her soon. 

Have a great Wednesday!

Ava 11 months!

Super behind on these seeing how she turns one tomorrow, but here is a recap of 11 months.

Weight

I haven't weighed her in a while so I'm not sure, but she's probably around 20 pounds by now. She'll be having her one year checkup soon.

Health

Over the summer nobody got colds, but with Serena and Layla back in school, the back to school germs are back. Layla started to get a cold which Mariam then got, and then Ava. She never got a fever with this one, but it was over a week of a runny nose. She sleeps even worse when she's sick, which is expected, but super hard when she already wakes up 2-3 hours a night on the regular.

Sleep

Still the same. Two short naps a day and then waking up every 2-3 hours at night. Only once a month will we get like a 4 hour stretch thrown in there. Several friends tell me to let her cry through the night, or feed her something heavy right before bed, or stop nursing her etc. The list goes on, but H and I don't feel comfortable letting our kids cry it out. I've debated not nursing her anymore since everytime she wakes up she expects it, but I'm not ready to end this bond yet. I really want to make it till two years old like I did with Mariam. I know I need to make some changes as the pediatrician suggested, like cutting down on nursing at night. Start trying to wean her off the night time feedings. Believe me my muscles are tired and I don't want to nurse her almost every time she wakes up, but I'm so tired and I know it makes her go back to sleep pretty fast instead of thrashing around for an hour. I have some great news though! She slept through the night last night! After rolling around in her crib for what seemed like forever she fell asleep around 10:30 am and didn't wake up till 5:38 am! I nursed her and then she slept for another hour. I can't stop smiling. I want to shout it from the rooftops! Tomorrow is her one year birthday so she picked an interesting time to do it. I hope she does it again. 

Clothes

She currently wears 12-24 month clothing. Depends. If we are at home I usually put pants and knee pads on her since we have all hard wood floors. 

Diet

Still exclusively breastfeeding and eating solids. She loves beef and she's not a fan of anything green unless it's mixed in with other foods and she can't see it. We still don't give her eggs and dairy since she starts getting a rash when we do, but we'll try again at a later time. She's never taken to a bottle, but she has started to take a sip or two from a sippy cup. 

Milestones

She's done so much these last few months. I haven't updated since she turned 8 months, but she's started to take a step here and a step there. She also points to things and says "da" when she wants something. She enjoys blocks, getting into the spice cabinets and knocking her sisters books off the shelves in their closet. She tries to repeat words, she loves to give hugs and she's just so sweet and getting more social. I know I'm missing a lot of things here, but it's not all coming to mind right now. 

Ava 8 months!

Weight

I haven't weighed her in a while so I'm not sure, but she's probably around 17 pounds. She doesn't have another checkup till 9 months.

Health

Her health has been really good lately as well as the rest of the family. Nobody has had a cold in awhile which I'm pretty relieved about. Layla and Mariam did get a stomach virus the first week of May, but thankfully Ava didn't get it and neither did Serena.

Sleep

Sigh....Still not getting any sleep around here. Her naps are short 20 to 45 minute naps and usually on the shorter side. It's been really difficult not getting any sleep. It's bad every night, but some are worse than others. Last night was a particularly rough one and it's really starting to get to me. I've been quite emotional about it all day frequently welling up with tears. I wish she was a normal sleeper. 

Clothes

She currently wears 9- 12 month clothing and it's been fun using some of the girls old clothing again.

Diet

Still exclusively breastfeeding and eating solids. In my last update I was contemplating weaning her to see if it would help with her sleeping, but I wasn't ready to break the bond. She still won't take a bottle so I'll be starting to offer her a straw cup soon and she how she does. I'm going to breastfeed her at least till 12 months and switch her to cows milk if her sleep still doesn't improve. I would have liked to get to 2 years like Mariam, but we'll see.

Milestones

She's still crawling up a storm and says da-da, but I haven't been able to make out any other new words. She's such a joy to be around and a happy baby. They really do grow so fast, so even though I'm feeling like I'll never get sleep again, I know it will come. I just hope it's sooner than later. Not sleeping does a number on you emotionally.

Have a great Monday!

Ava 7 months!

Weight

Currently about 16.5 pounds. She is wearing 6-9 month clothes. 

Health

This past month was not the greatest healthwise. No colds thankfully but she did get a bout of roseola about 2 days after she got her 6 month shots. Poor thing was miserable and hardly slept. She hardly sleeps as it is, so it was terrible. She had two days of fever and then a rash for 4 days. 

Sleep

I want to sleep! I want this child to sleep! She still won't sleep for more than 3 hours straight! It's awful. Most of the time she is up every 2 hours at night. Sometimes I wonder how much longer this will go on before I collapse from exhaustion. My muscle knots are aching more now and I've started to get migraines. My skin has not been great. I hate this. 

Clothes

She is in 6-9 month clothing and some 12 month. 

Diet

Still breastfeeding and I've contemplated weaning her because I'm her human pacifier at night and maybe she will sleep, but it's too hard. I do love our bond and it's still the best thing for her. She lost interest in solids for about a week but has slowly been eating a little bit again. 

Crying

It's better. She's been more independent so at least she doesn't need to be in my arms all the time like she used too. 

Milestones

She is a little crawling machine and said her first word "da-da" two weeks ago. She's also started to pull herself up a little higher but not on her feet yet. Today we started baby sign language so we'll see how that goes. If I stick with it, it can take up to two months before she does her first sign. 

Have a great Monday!

Ava 6 months!

Weight

She hasn't had her 6 month check up yet but I'm guessing maybe she weighs about 15 or 16 pounds. She is in 6-9 month clothes and can wear some 12 month clothes. She's definitely feeling heavier.

Health

This past month has been pretty good minus one cold where it was mainly just a runny nose and congestion. Poor thing. I hate when she has a stuffy nose. It's hard to breathe and she must feel miserable. 

Sleep

Still terrible and I'm still terrible at sticking to a plan. A friend of mine let me borrow her glider so I can start rocking Ava in it and not nursing her in the bed, but at time I still bring her in the bed. I just get so exhausted and my shoulders start aching that I nurse her in the bed and sometime co-sleep. She's still waking up every 2 hours. It's really exhausting and it makes me a bit sad. I don't want her to get bigger, but I also want to sleep and I would have preferred not to spend her first year a tired emotional mess half the time from lack of sleep.

Clothes

She is in 6-9 month clothing and some 12 month. 

Diet

Still breastfeeding great. I started her on solids 3 weeks ago and so far she's doing great with it. Sometimes she makes these faces, but she's been eating pretty well. As of last week she's been eating 3 solids a day and no it hasn't helped her sleep through the night yet.

Crying

It's gotten better. She can sit on her own now and can spend more time playing quietly on her own. Before she just wanted to be constantly in arms. She's starting to see that there is much exploring to do and things to taste. 

Milestones

Ava has started to scoot and she crawled twice. I'm sure it was the momentum, but she did put a knee in front of the other and move forward. I'm in no hurry though. It's fine with me if she takes a while to crawl or walk, I just want her to sleep through the night. 

Ava 4 months!

Weight

I'm not sure at this point but she is definitely chunking up quite nicely and feels a lot heavier. Her doctors appointment is this week so I'll know then. I'm really dreading the 4 months shots though. :(

Health

Still doing fantastic. She hasn't gotten sick yet (knocks on wood). She only has dry skin patches just like Layla did. She has really sensitive skin. 

Sleep

Terrible! Omg! Send help. I believe we are going through the 4 month sleep regression and it sucks. For the past 3 weeks her sleep has not been great and it's getting worse. This whole week she's been waking up every 2-3 hours. I'm not kidding. Every 2-3 hours. I have a migraine as I'm typing this from lack of sleep. I'm soooo tired and it shows. Throw in postpartum hair loss, bags under the eyes, dull skin and I don't think I've ever felt uglier. Ugh. 

Clothes

Her 3 month clothes are getting tight and a lot hardly fit. She currently fits in 6 month clothes. She's growing so fast!

Diet

Still breastmilk and she nurses great. I plan on introducing the bottle again this week because there are going to be times where I need to get away. I have to take her everywhere because she won't take a bottle. Hopefully she'll start accepting the bottle--of course this means I have to start pumping some which can be a pain sometimes. 

Crying

She's been a little better at entertaining herself so the crying isn't as constant when she's not being held. She likes putting everything in her mouth now so that keeps her occupied a bit and she's starting to take a pacifier. 

Milestones

Let's see she loves to roll over now and it's part of the reason she's been waking herself up at night. She can also grasp things bring them to her mouth, and she laughs easily. Oh and her hair has grown like crazy. Isn't if amazing? People are always stopping me to comment on her or her hair lol. 

Have a great week!

Miss Ava...miss Ava.

Whatever shall we do with you?

Gold bow headband: {Meghan & Julie}

All we can do is love you and try to remember that the hard times will pass and you will grow faster than we'd like. As you can see I haven't updated in about a week again. It's been tough. Life with 4 kids completely kicked my butt this week. The straw that broke the camel's back happened last night. Around 6pm Serena hobbled in from outside with what appears to be another sprained ankle, then after dinner H had to go to the store so I was left with a crying Ava, then Layla started throwing up everywhere and Serena couldn't help me because she has a hurt ankle. So I'm trying to clean up, put Layla in the tub and deal with a crying baby. Thankfully H walked in 10 minutes later, but I was spent. I had even gotten frustrated at the baby and I just felt guilty and overwhelmed. I did a lot of crying, praying and feeling sorry for myself that my kids can't be easier on me. Today I'm trying to focus on counting my blessings. There is much to be happy about and as I write this Ava is napping which is rare for her, but it's giving me a little time to get some things done. 

Have a great weekend!