Thursday, April 12, 2012

Beneath the light of a neon moon..

I used to listen to "Neon Moon" by Brooks and Dunn every day on my way to work when I was pregnant with Layla. She used to give me some kicks when she'd hear it in my womb. It was sort of our thing. I play "neon moon" she kicks.

Same thing every morning.

I suppose the song was special because H and I attended a wedding when I was about 25 weeks pregnant and we danced to that song. Sure we've danced to plenty of songs before, but that night was just special to me. I felt so content with our new baby safely tucked in my belly and with Serena tucked into bed at grandma's house and everything just felt right with the world.

This post isn't about Layla though, nor is is about H. Though I suppose it has something to do with the both of them if you want to look at it that way. I was reminded of the song last night as I tossed and turned in bed last night. Uncomfortable, unhappy, anxious. The pain is back...and I hate it.

As I've mentioned before around the time that I found out about the pregnancy, my muscle knot pain pretty much went away. After 6 months of pretty much constant pain on some level it was like a light switch went off and the pain pretty much went away. Amazing. Well I don't know what I did, but it came back Monday and yesterday it pretty much kicked my butt. I was also anxious about my OB appt today because I thought maybe the pain came back because my hormones lessened because something happened to the baby. I was pretty much paralyzed with fear yesterday and spent most of the day in between caring for Layla layed out on the couch watching Vampire Diaries. I had a bad mommy day yesterday obviously.

Last night was tough. H gave me a nice long massage on my neck and shoulders but it was radiating all down my right arm. It literally felt like it was sore all the way down to my hand. What is this about? I'm feeling a dead end with the research I've done on this. I'm also pregnant and not going to take meds so what's the point of finding yet another doctor who I think might help but will probably fail me again. At this time I don't have the funds to visit the neuromuscular massage therapist to try and get the knots out. Children are expensive. Living is expensive. I suppose too I haven't reached the breaking point where I'm like "ok I don't care what it takes, I need to do something about this now". So I tossed and turned in bed last night muttering how I needed a new body. Praying like usual for God to make it better. It's tough let me tell you. I feel lucky in a sense that it's nothing that serious and some simple touches and direct pressure (not by me) can give me some momentary relief but it can make living a little tough. Pain does not make you a happy camper. It's constantly fighting with yourself to not get snippy and keep my emotions at bay. It's just so uncomfortable.

Nevertheless, I shall end this post on a happy note. I woke up this morning and the pain was still a little there but I felt much better once I was up moving around. I also had an OB appt this morning and got to hear the glorious sound of my baby's heart beating.

Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh whoosh....

That sound never gets old. It was at 160 bpm. It might be another girl. Layla's heart rate was always high. The rest of the day was also more productive. I just hope the muscle knot pain goes away again. Anything is possible so cross your fingers.

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